BLOG — DENISE LIMONGELLO, LCSW

A couple versus a family

Many happily married couples report having decided to marry based, exclusively, on the desire to start a family together. While having children can be a life goal for many, life’s unpredictability can prohibit couples from having children. Not only can fertility issues arise, but other factors such as sudden financial crises, job loss, or health issues can turn up, unexpectedly, in life and obliterate a couple’s dreams of having children. If you’re planning on starting a family, you might also want to consider if you would be content marrying your spouse without the promise of children. The creation of a family might still be something you’re able to pursue. Questioning whether you would be willing to commit to your partner, regardless of kids, however, might help determine your readiness for a lifelong commitment to that person.

You accept each other’s families

Studies show that a leading cause of divorce is conflict between in-laws. If you find your partner’s family situation problematic, or even intolerable, this may need to be addressed prior to walking down the aisle. Working with your partner on setting boundaries and having arelationship with your in-laws that works for both of you can be extremely important for creating a harmonious marriage. If you determine that there are problems and unfinished business with your partner’s family, this can indicate that you might not be quite ready for marriage and still have some work to do as a couple.

You aren’t healthy

A recent study shows that sudden, unexpected health issues are a leading cause of divorce. Many divorced individuals reported that the stress of looking after a spouse with health problems took an extreme toll on the marriage and changed the dynamic of the relationship. If you have treatable, unaddressed health issues, it might not be the best time to enter into a marriage. Tending to your health concerns prior to marriage can ensure that you are entering into your marriage, responsibly. Or, if you suddenly become unwell prior to your wedding date, postponing the marriage might be a good idea. Treatment outcomes may not always be determinable, but making the effort to see if you can cure your maladies prior to getting married might prevent unnecessary relationship stressors related to your health concerns.

Couples don’t typically seek couples counseling until their situation is catastrophic. Couples counseling is often a last resort for a couple in crisis. The stigma associated with needing a therapist can prevent a great many couples from seeking counseling right when the trouble begins, or even before problems begin, at all. Every so often, brave couples come to the couch when nothing is wrong. These couples seek to prevent rather than cure.

Here are some reasons why seeking couples counseling when nothing is wrong can be better than starting once problems have already begun:

Conflict is always obvious

Conflict is often so much more obvious to a bystander than to the parties involved. Problems masked by poor communication can make problem solving so much easier for people who have found a professional to help them determine potential problems in the marriage that they might not even be aware of. Of course, not every couple needs a therapist to manage their problems, but having an objective third party in the room probably doesn’t hurt.

You get an “A” for effort

The effort, alone, required to make it to couples counseling consistently can mean that couples are putting more energy and effort into the marriage and into problem solving than couples that don’t. The idea of attending couples counseling for preventative maintenance rather than crisis control can be of enormous value. Making couples counseling a priority can lead to feelings of teamwork and solidarity.

Life is a mystery

With life’s constant unpredictability, no couple can be truly safe from mishap or misfortune–the stronger a couple’s foundation from the beginning, the better. The couple that takes the time to have a structured check-in with each other, either weekly, or on any consistent basis, could have an advantage at taking on life together and establishing feelings of safety and cohesion. Forever and ever is a long time, and anything can happen, so it’s most likely something to prepare in advance.

Remember that counseling is not only for couples in distress but also for couples who are happy with their relationships.

Denise Limongello

VERIFIED EXPERT

Denise Limongello, LMSW, is a passionate and dedicated therapist who obtained her graduate degree from Columbia University, School of Social Work. She is also a graduate of Miss Porter’s School and Tulane University. Denise began her clinical career at The Renfrew Center of New York and has since then worked across all levels of care including Inpatient, Partial Hospitalization, Intensive Outpatient, and Outpatient, Private Practice settings.